Yesterday I was playing cowboys with The Kid (we even had our own make believe lasso) when I had the strongest memory flashback. It's amazing the kind of things that can happen to a person and one can put so far out of their minds that the person can't even remember it happening anymore.

It was horrible and I started crying inconsolably. My "father" and I use the term loosely, tied my hands together and my feet together and then tied them to each other in such a way that I had to be laying down on the ground because I couldn't sit up or stand up straight. He did the same to my sister, he also gave us a beating beforehand. Our crime? I can't remember, but if it's anything like previous times that we got beat, it was probably because my mom didn't western union him all the money that she got from her paycheck. I can't remember the exact age I was at the time, all I know is that we lived in that apartment from when I was around six until I was eight. God, if I ever think of doing something like that to one of my children; please smite me. I don't ever want to inflict that kind of pain on a child, any child.


runs off to cry...

On weds as I was getting ready to go to work, tragedy struck. I'd been in the kitchen getting some things prepared for The Kid when I heard a gutwrenching bloodcurling scream.


Duckie had falled out of bed. This wasn't your normal day to day kid fell out of bed. He'd somehow fallen at an angle and was actually balancing his body on his nose.

Poor thing, he had blood coming out of his nose like it was nobody's business. Several phone calls later to the pedi's office found me on my way to the ER to get x-rays done to make sure his nose wasn't broken. Thank God it wasn't, but holding him down while they took the xray was almost as bad as holding him down while that inept nurse that drew his blood poked him several times and shook the needle back and forth and to and fro because she couldn't find his vein. I wanted to hurt her like she hurt my baby.

He's on the mend now, all he has to show for it is a scrape on the tip of his nose but now that I'm doubly sure that he can get out of his crib and land on the bed and then land on the floor; I think that I'll put his mattress on the floor.

so.. my poor The Kid, he's the one that's borne the brunt of my monster. It's as if a switch was hit inside of me where the baby could do no wrong and The Kid could do nothing right. And then I'd blow up, big time. I'll even admit it, I hit him in anger a couple of times before I got help. It was that which made me realize how wrong I was and how much help I truly needed. I smacked his butt and leg so hard because he had a small accident (we'd been potty training him before the baby was born) that when I sat him in the potty immediately after I noticed that I'd left a red welt on his leg. Oh God how I lost it then. But the worse was yet to come. He started telling me that he was sorry for what he did. Do you know how horrible it is to hear your child apologize to you for something that YOU did wrong? I just dropped down on my knees and started hugging my poor confused boy; kissing him and apologizing to him. I just thank God that it didn't get worse than that and that I'm getting the help I need. One day at a time is the most anyone can ask of me and that's how am doing it.

I've been making sure that The Kid gets the appreciation that he deserves and paying lots of attention to him. I just hope that I didn't scar him for life or that I jeopardized his relationship with his baby brother because of it seeing as how I turned into a monster after the baby came.

It's been terribly hard to even get on the internet since well, sleeping is more needed and wanted at this point. It's not that The Child wakes up 75,33,4356456 times during the night; it's that in between the 75,33,4356456 times that he wakes up he's making the weirdest noises (think the horse from Mr. Ed) when he's asleep. He's so loud when he shouldn't be that it's keeping me up. Plus he has the most horrible habit of waking up at quarter to six and staying up until around 8:30am ish. But I digress. My point for posting was this: there was something that I neglected to tell you guys about the birth story. Something that I've just now been able to deal with.

When The Child was born, the cord was wrapped around his neck and he wasn't breathing. His apgar was only 2 when it should've been much higher. They had to use a breathing mask on him and stimulate him for the longest minutes of my life before he started to cry and breathe well. He was so purple and mewey before that happened that I really thought I'd lose him. It's the worse feeling in the world and I don't wish that on anyone at all. I don't know what I would've done had I lost him, I would've seriously considered killing myself most likely. I don't think I would've been able to cope. Seeing his teeny little body being taken from me so that they could help him breathe ripped my heart into shreds. Thank God that he was okay and was able to come back into my arms soon after since I would've probably lost it if he would've had to go to be taken to the hospital. But now my little boy is sleeping soundly by my side and thriving and I can't be more thankful to God. The Lord has truly blessed my life with this little boy and I can't begin to say how much better my life is now that he is here.

Daniel! (or The Child as he will be reffered to from now on)

Friday morning I woke up with some braxton hicks and went in for my 38 week apt and was told by the midwife that I was 2-3 centimeters dilated, 90% effaced and baby was engaged. Of course, I hadn't bought a car seat, the prefolds had not been dyed, bags haven't been packed and I hadn't even bought the stuff I needed for postpartum. Fortunately I was able to get out of work early and swing by the store to pick up the car seat. I continued to have more braxton hicks through the day but around 8pm they became real labor pains (took me talking to the mw for awhile to realize that they'd become real labor pains). I guess I should back up a bit and say that on Weds nite I felt a "shift" in my body but wasn't sure what it meant. I tried to get some sleep friday nite but the contractions wouldn't let me sleep. They were 15 mins apart and at 2am I told The Hubby to take me to the birth center because I was sure that this kid was coming this weekend. By the time that my MIL came over to watch The Kid (we didn't want to wake him to take him with us), we swung about 15 mins the opposite way to find an open pharmacy so that The Hubby could get some antacids, and made it to the birth center, it was 3am.

When we got there she checked me and I was dilated to a 6-7 but the cervix was still at 90%. By the time that the tub was filled the contractions were coming in around every 5 mins. Dear lord it was sooo good getting in that tub. Of course, I stalled my own labor by relaxing so much I fell asleep in the tub twice so The Hubby made me stand up and walk a bit in the tub between contractions. The last little bit of the cervix just would not give and it was still a bit too thick for her to be able to slip it under the head so at 8:30am we decided to break my water. Stubborn cervix still wouldn't give way until just past 9am. Near the end, the pain was so great that I'm pretty sure had I been at the hospital I would've begged for a csect. It was only the encouragement from the mw and The Hubby that kept me from being transferred to the hospital even though I kept telling them that I couldn't do it and they needed to figure out a way to get that baby out NOW! At 9:15 I got the go ahead to start pushing and he came at 9:26am. The cord was wrapped around his neck once and it took a bit of help to get him breathing properly. Turned out that he was a bit earlier than expected. The mw said that going by his feet, ears, and the amount of vernix covering him; that he'd JUST turned 37 weeks. Figures that my due dates were off.

The only good thing about having him early was that he weighed 8 lbs 1 oz and his head measured 14 inches. I can't even fathom how much bigger his head would've been had he been full term. AND I had no tearing! I was so relieved by that! Even though he was born at 9:26, they couldn't get him weighted or measured until 11:30am because the boy would not come off the boob Everytime that I thought he'd finished and would remove him from the breast, he'd complain. He's been nursing so well that my milk's almost fully in and he's had four bowel movements already. Hope all that meconium is fully out cuz I forgot to put a liner in the first couple of diapers and they got dirty with meconium. He needs a haircut in the worse possible way too

We got discharged at 1pm but I had to wait a while while The Hubby went and got the carseat installed and took The Kid to the sitter's. Of course, when MIL came over the house to visit the first thing out of her mouth was "I thought you were having twins, they left one inside you." If looks could kill, I would be in jail right now. Her only saving grace was that the pastor's wife was present and she steered the conversation away. But the whole time I was giving MIL the deathlook and didn't speak to her directly for the rest of their visit. I doubt that I'll be as cordial to her next time I see her. Here he is with big bro

Anyone want the rest of my vicodin? Am not sure I want to finish the whole bottle. Is making me very loopy. But seriously folks, am glad I never did drugs because I don't like the high I'm getting off the medicine. Not sure what the big deal is, maybe because it aint pot or something like that. Maybe illegal drugs give you a better buzz feeling. All I know is that I don't like it. Am kinda fond of my braincells.

Apparently some of us aren't allowed to have major or minor crisis and not post about it because ms Katie will chase us down and chop off our heads. I was out of work thursday and friday because I was busy having an operation. I had to have all of my wisdom teeth taken out. ALL OF THEM. AT THE SAME TIME. UNANIMOUSLY. People, I have stitches inside my mouth. Plus, the doctor cut me. As in, there are cut marks inside my cheek. As in, not anywhere near the back of my mouth. As in, he was playing some sort of crazy tic tac toe game with the nurse. Did I mention that there are stitches inside of me? I am scarred people! Call me scarface! Go ahead, Katie.

I don't remember anything of the past week. I remember that the nurse put me under, and then I remember waking up at home. Nothing in between. The Hubby says that I was so out of it. He says that I was complaining about the crappy nurse that wouldn't give me my teeth and they-came-out-of-me-why-can't-I-have-them-back-why-are-they-hazardous-waste-now? But drunkenlike. So now not only can't I not hold more than one beer (probly less than that since it's been years since last imbibing alcohol), apparently I can't hold anaesthesia either. Thank God that there hasn't been any major swelling. Actually, the drugs they gave me are so good, I been mostly dizzy and drowsy all day long. Have no idea what I'm doing at work today though. I've already puked and almost fainted but I will stubbornly stay on. Oh yeah, I go back to skool today after spring break and have a test due today. Guess how much of it is done. Go ahead, take a gander.

I just read this article. This makes my blood boil, I could not help but cry at the horror that this little child had to suffer. Just to think that the poor little girl froze to her death because her father wanted her to is more pain that I can stand. I can't get the image of a scared, almost naked, barefoot child all alone in that park wondering why her father left her there. It's not only the fact that she died, but the fact that she died thinking no one loved her that is breaking my heart. I am sorry, christian values aside and all. But if I see that man in person, I would beat him up. He deserves the worst kind of punishment available. The death sentence is too kind for what he's done. How dare he do that to a 23 month old child, his own child! This world is getting to be too much. There are way too many stories of this kind out there. Dear God, why. Why does this happen? I know that sometimes bad things happen to people in order that other people might be able to learn. I also know that we reap what we sow, and that sometimes . But what could this child have done to anger her father to the point of murder? She. would. not. go. to. bed. All I have to say is this, had I lived in the times of lynchings and angry mob riots; I would so have started more than a few of them myself. Starting with this one.

Oh my gosh! I've been so busy lately. What with the skool junk and scholarship applications and stuff. Haven't really had time for updating. So here:

1. The Kid came down with some weird rash. Mainly big mosquito like bumps that were red and swollen. His ear was irrecognizable. Doctor says there was nothing we could do. He's getting better.

2. Updated my resume. For some reason, scholarship apps ask for a resume. The Hubby said if I wanted to go down to city hall and be crowned major, I could. My resume looks all spiff and spam.

3. Started the bizillion essays that go along with the applications.

4. Need to find a way to fund for skool next year. The only way that I can get any kind of financial help is if I go to skool full time next year. That means no worky worky for me (boo hoo, yeah right). But, USF, the cheapest 4 year college around here will cost me nearly $4,000 per semester. Whoring my blogging skills out ain't bringing that kind of dough. Need help.

5. I'm starving. My body will twitch and scream if not fed every.two.hours. Seriously, ask Katie. That means I have to eat double in the mornings to make up for what I didn't eat at night.

6. I got my period last Thursday, it's Thursday again and I still have it. Worst.week.ever. It was so bad I left work early on Friday and didn't come to work on Monday.

7. Did I mention I was starving? Sorry to everyone I didn't comment on this week. It's been.....interesting.

**Updated to add: I just realized I put that my resume was spiff and spam. Should've been spiff and span. I was thinking with my stomach again.

Yay! I got in touch with someone very special. I shall name her Morgana (she would like that). Morgana and I used to be very bestest best friends in the whole wide world. I left the place that we called home and never went back, and for that I am truly sorry because I lost contact with someone that was very special to me. Morgana and I went through a lot together, from boy band crushes to gang beatings (not us, the guy that was driving the car {it was a reeely nice car, too}). I think that I will do a series of posts regarding how I came to leave that place and ended up where I am. There might be monkeys involved. Or poop. Or both, I am a mom after all.

How does one learn to be submissive and respectful of another? How does one go from being a fully independent person, making their own decision to one that must allow others to make decisions for them and with them? It sucks.

How does one stop doing something that another doesn't like when the first person is so used to doing it that they don't even realize it? How does one raise a child in a house full of strife? I seem to be stuck in a rut. My spiritual life's gone to the dogs. I definitely am not moving forward, but am not quite going backwards either. It sucks to see others that started going to church after me achieving and doing things that I can't do yet. They say that about 50% of second marriages end in divorce. I don't want mine to be a statistic; but if things don't change, that very well might happen. I have called The Hubby my "roommate" several times already. It's basically what we are, roommates. Even though we sleep in the same bed, there's an abyss separating us. We are both too stubborn to take the first step closer. It hurts because I love him like I've never loved (and never will) another. He's my first real boyfriend, my first real kiss, my first love. I don't know what to do, he seems to think that the moment I stop breastfeeding everything will be alright. He doesn't realize that neither The Kid, nor I are ready for such a step. He doesn't see that he's hurting me, yet wants me to acknowledge how I've hurt him.

"Your body belongs to your husband; you're causing a separation between your son and your husband." that's what I keep hearing over and over. What they don't see is that I could count on my hands the times he's changed a diaper. The times he's been up with a sick The Kid, or got up to tend to him in the middle of the night are nil. We went to Orlando with The Girl! and some of our friends this past weekend and we had to go up an escalator. The Kid was in the stroller and I needed to take him out. He didn't even help, just got mad at me that I didn't get on the escalator with The Kid in the stroller. He left me with the bags, kid, and stroller and walked away. Somebody else had to help me. I have started to resent the times that we spend with The Girl! because he completely forgets that he's got another child when she's around. We left on Thursday and came back Sunday morning. In that whole time, he spent maybe half an hour with The Kid. And he did that because I dropped him off and walked away to the bathroom. The rest of the time, he spent with The Girl! barely acknowledging my existence unless it was to pick a fight. I hated the trip. It sucked mostly because I was internetless; I wouldn't have been able to post anyways because I can't let him know that I keep a blog. He would make me delete it. He doesn't trust the internet at all. I will try to write more later when I don't feel sad.

I didn't tell you guys what happened to me two weeks ago. I was at a red light, waiting to make a right turn and some dumbo rear ended me. He said that he "thought I was going to keep on going". Never mind the fact that there were cars going by and I couldn't go. Fast forward to this morning. I'm at a yield sign. Can't move because there are cars going by when; you guessed it, I was hit AGAIN from behind. The guy also thought that I was going to just plow into the cars going in front of me. My neck hurts a bit. In neither case I called the cops because there was little to no damage to my car and I didn't want to be held up with the coppers. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thankfully, The Kid was not in the car either time. It's getting to be more and more difficult to avoid collisions when one is following the rules of the road.

I don't know what it is, but I've got this horrible pain in one side. Hopefully it will go away without much intervention.