Obedience

How does one learn to be submissive and respectful of another? How does one go from being a fully independent person, making their own decision to one that must allow others to make decisions for them and with them? It sucks.

How does one stop doing something that another doesn't like when the first person is so used to doing it that they don't even realize it? How does one raise a child in a house full of strife? I seem to be stuck in a rut. My spiritual life's gone to the dogs. I definitely am not moving forward, but am not quite going backwards either. It sucks to see others that started going to church after me achieving and doing things that I can't do yet. They say that about 50% of second marriages end in divorce. I don't want mine to be a statistic; but if things don't change, that very well might happen. I have called The Hubby my "roommate" several times already. It's basically what we are, roommates. Even though we sleep in the same bed, there's an abyss separating us. We are both too stubborn to take the first step closer. It hurts because I love him like I've never loved (and never will) another. He's my first real boyfriend, my first real kiss, my first love. I don't know what to do, he seems to think that the moment I stop breastfeeding everything will be alright. He doesn't realize that neither The Kid, nor I are ready for such a step. He doesn't see that he's hurting me, yet wants me to acknowledge how I've hurt him.

"Your body belongs to your husband; you're causing a separation between your son and your husband." that's what I keep hearing over and over. What they don't see is that I could count on my hands the times he's changed a diaper. The times he's been up with a sick The Kid, or got up to tend to him in the middle of the night are nil. We went to Orlando with The Girl! and some of our friends this past weekend and we had to go up an escalator. The Kid was in the stroller and I needed to take him out. He didn't even help, just got mad at me that I didn't get on the escalator with The Kid in the stroller. He left me with the bags, kid, and stroller and walked away. Somebody else had to help me. I have started to resent the times that we spend with The Girl! because he completely forgets that he's got another child when she's around. We left on Thursday and came back Sunday morning. In that whole time, he spent maybe half an hour with The Kid. And he did that because I dropped him off and walked away to the bathroom. The rest of the time, he spent with The Girl! barely acknowledging my existence unless it was to pick a fight. I hated the trip. It sucked mostly because I was internetless; I wouldn't have been able to post anyways because I can't let him know that I keep a blog. He would make me delete it. He doesn't trust the internet at all. I will try to write more later when I don't feel sad.