Is sleep for 58 straight hours and then travel back to the time when I started. I'm exhausted and sleepy. Not to mention hungry.



Of course, Duckie sucking his thumb at night helps a lot since he doesn't wake up as often to feed. But for some reason I just can't rest when I sleep. I've already had two nightmares about work. There's nothing like showing up for work already feeling like you just got off an 8 hour shift. Or even worse, having a nightmare on the night that you're taking off, making you feel as if you never left work in the first place.

Hit him in the head with a clock...


Seriously, last night duckie woke up unconsolably crying and wouldn't stop. I tried nursing him and he was so desperate that he couldn't latch on. He was acting like he does when he sleeps too long and wakes up starvin' like marvin. Since The Hubby moved the furniture around and unplugged my nightlight, I had the alarm clock in bed with me so I moved it to the pillow to give me some light as I tried to calm down duckie. He throws his arm up in the air and hits the clock. The clock falls on his head with a loud smack, I get up out of bed quickly thinking that he's going to cry up a storm....he burps, latches on, and falls asleep in a matter of seconds.


The moral of the story, remember to burp your baby after feeding him no matter the time.

Daniel! (or The Child as he will be reffered to from now on)

Friday morning I woke up with some braxton hicks and went in for my 38 week apt and was told by the midwife that I was 2-3 centimeters dilated, 90% effaced and baby was engaged. Of course, I hadn't bought a car seat, the prefolds had not been dyed, bags haven't been packed and I hadn't even bought the stuff I needed for postpartum. Fortunately I was able to get out of work early and swing by the store to pick up the car seat. I continued to have more braxton hicks through the day but around 8pm they became real labor pains (took me talking to the mw for awhile to realize that they'd become real labor pains). I guess I should back up a bit and say that on Weds nite I felt a "shift" in my body but wasn't sure what it meant. I tried to get some sleep friday nite but the contractions wouldn't let me sleep. They were 15 mins apart and at 2am I told The Hubby to take me to the birth center because I was sure that this kid was coming this weekend. By the time that my MIL came over to watch The Kid (we didn't want to wake him to take him with us), we swung about 15 mins the opposite way to find an open pharmacy so that The Hubby could get some antacids, and made it to the birth center, it was 3am.

When we got there she checked me and I was dilated to a 6-7 but the cervix was still at 90%. By the time that the tub was filled the contractions were coming in around every 5 mins. Dear lord it was sooo good getting in that tub. Of course, I stalled my own labor by relaxing so much I fell asleep in the tub twice so The Hubby made me stand up and walk a bit in the tub between contractions. The last little bit of the cervix just would not give and it was still a bit too thick for her to be able to slip it under the head so at 8:30am we decided to break my water. Stubborn cervix still wouldn't give way until just past 9am. Near the end, the pain was so great that I'm pretty sure had I been at the hospital I would've begged for a csect. It was only the encouragement from the mw and The Hubby that kept me from being transferred to the hospital even though I kept telling them that I couldn't do it and they needed to figure out a way to get that baby out NOW! At 9:15 I got the go ahead to start pushing and he came at 9:26am. The cord was wrapped around his neck once and it took a bit of help to get him breathing properly. Turned out that he was a bit earlier than expected. The mw said that going by his feet, ears, and the amount of vernix covering him; that he'd JUST turned 37 weeks. Figures that my due dates were off.

The only good thing about having him early was that he weighed 8 lbs 1 oz and his head measured 14 inches. I can't even fathom how much bigger his head would've been had he been full term. AND I had no tearing! I was so relieved by that! Even though he was born at 9:26, they couldn't get him weighted or measured until 11:30am because the boy would not come off the boob Everytime that I thought he'd finished and would remove him from the breast, he'd complain. He's been nursing so well that my milk's almost fully in and he's had four bowel movements already. Hope all that meconium is fully out cuz I forgot to put a liner in the first couple of diapers and they got dirty with meconium. He needs a haircut in the worse possible way too

We got discharged at 1pm but I had to wait a while while The Hubby went and got the carseat installed and took The Kid to the sitter's. Of course, when MIL came over the house to visit the first thing out of her mouth was "I thought you were having twins, they left one inside you." If looks could kill, I would be in jail right now. Her only saving grace was that the pastor's wife was present and she steered the conversation away. But the whole time I was giving MIL the deathlook and didn't speak to her directly for the rest of their visit. I doubt that I'll be as cordial to her next time I see her. Here he is with big bro

How does one learn to be submissive and respectful of another? How does one go from being a fully independent person, making their own decision to one that must allow others to make decisions for them and with them? It sucks.

How does one stop doing something that another doesn't like when the first person is so used to doing it that they don't even realize it? How does one raise a child in a house full of strife? I seem to be stuck in a rut. My spiritual life's gone to the dogs. I definitely am not moving forward, but am not quite going backwards either. It sucks to see others that started going to church after me achieving and doing things that I can't do yet. They say that about 50% of second marriages end in divorce. I don't want mine to be a statistic; but if things don't change, that very well might happen. I have called The Hubby my "roommate" several times already. It's basically what we are, roommates. Even though we sleep in the same bed, there's an abyss separating us. We are both too stubborn to take the first step closer. It hurts because I love him like I've never loved (and never will) another. He's my first real boyfriend, my first real kiss, my first love. I don't know what to do, he seems to think that the moment I stop breastfeeding everything will be alright. He doesn't realize that neither The Kid, nor I are ready for such a step. He doesn't see that he's hurting me, yet wants me to acknowledge how I've hurt him.

"Your body belongs to your husband; you're causing a separation between your son and your husband." that's what I keep hearing over and over. What they don't see is that I could count on my hands the times he's changed a diaper. The times he's been up with a sick The Kid, or got up to tend to him in the middle of the night are nil. We went to Orlando with The Girl! and some of our friends this past weekend and we had to go up an escalator. The Kid was in the stroller and I needed to take him out. He didn't even help, just got mad at me that I didn't get on the escalator with The Kid in the stroller. He left me with the bags, kid, and stroller and walked away. Somebody else had to help me. I have started to resent the times that we spend with The Girl! because he completely forgets that he's got another child when she's around. We left on Thursday and came back Sunday morning. In that whole time, he spent maybe half an hour with The Kid. And he did that because I dropped him off and walked away to the bathroom. The rest of the time, he spent with The Girl! barely acknowledging my existence unless it was to pick a fight. I hated the trip. It sucked mostly because I was internetless; I wouldn't have been able to post anyways because I can't let him know that I keep a blog. He would make me delete it. He doesn't trust the internet at all. I will try to write more later when I don't feel sad.

I've been sick as a dog all weekend. Couldn't even get up for work on Friday, had to call in. Poor The Kid, he's been sick too and it hurts me to see him that sick. He will cry and run away as soon as he sees me coming at him with a tissue. Who could blame him? I accidentally scratched his nose while deboogerizing him and made him bleed. Bad mom. Thankfully we're in the mend now. Oh yeah, I also got my period on Friday. Hadn't had it since december '04, hence the title. It was so great not having to worry about that junk before, thanks breastfeeding. Not much else to post either. Will try to get better.

I haven't really posted anything about breastfeeding even though is an integral part of my routine. Or, at least it used to be. See, when I got pregnant I did all this research and came to the conclusion that breast is best. I prepared the best I could for breastfeeding and The Hubby supported me. He was even more into it than I was. Thank God that The Kid was pretty good and knew exactly what to do. I think that I would've been depressed if I hadn't been able to breastfeed. We got off to a great start and I knew that I had done the right thing for us. I wanted to keep it as long as I could.

Fast forward a couple of months and The Hubby is not so hot on the breastfeeding thing. Mainly, he sees the breasts as "food" and "off limits" and "ewwww! that thing is leaking!" I continue to breastfeed because is what I feel is correct. I can't not breastfeed. Add to that the fact that everyone around us is asking when I'm going to wean and the pressure is on. One person said, and I quote "I asked how long is it correct to breastfeed and was told six weeks. So I breastfeed for one month over that. Children, especially boys, shouldn't be breastfed for long because it will awaken them to things they are too young to understand."

Now, here I am at 12 months, 1 week and I'm still going strong with the breastfeeding. I am not listening to any of them even if The Hubby is got his panties all in a bunch. I know that I'm doing what's best for my kid and I know he is not ready to wean. I've been working/skool since The Kid was 2 months. Bessie, my pump has been my best friend. Without her I don't know what I would've done. Sure, we had our times. Like when my milk came all pink due to bleeding nipples, and all that engorgement and such. I went from pumping 5 times a day at work/6 when I was at skool to zero (as of last week).

Right now I only feed The Kid first thing in the morning and just before going to bed at night. I will keep this up until at least 18 months when I will revisit the feeding thing.

The Kid, today...two days ago you were one year old. How you have grown in this year. You went from a little squiggly thing that just laid there to a little man. Some of the things you have accomplished this year include:

Words
Mama, Dada, Papa, Tata (don't know what you mean here), nene (boy), baby (pronounced beebee), Mmmnnn (said whenever you see someone with food. Or just whenever you want food),Hi, Amen (screamed out in church several times in a row, never to be heard again).

Food
You have gone from an all boobjuice diet to eating just about anything that's not nailed down to the floor. You still like your boobjuice best, though. As a result, I have changed things around on you. You will no longer get my milk at the sitter's, you will drink goat milk. Why? Because I said so, that's why.

Mobility
You had me worried there for a minute. You didn't want to crawl and insisted on GIJoeing it around the house. That was real good for my floors, thank you. Now you are a toddler. You walk unassisted all over the place but still crawl when you are tired or just cranky. I don't appreciate your wanting to walk attached to my leg. As a result, I think I will start biting YOU for a change.

Cute Factor
I didn't think it could be possible, but you have only gotten cuter since they let us take you home.

Sleeping
You can sleep the whole night in your room all by yourself. You just choose not to. I don't appreciate that. That's why I let you cry when you decide that the crib is not fun anymore. Bedtime is bedtime and I gotz to get my sleep on.

Clinginess
I swear you'd get back in my womb if you could, the way you always want to hang off of me. You are real good when I drop you at the sitter's with the exception of this week. I think you think I'm going to abandon you just like your daddy abandoned us (for the week).

Other Milestones
Wave bye-bye, blow kisses, kiss (more like leave a huge wad of spit on victim's cheek), play some weird game your grandma taught you of sticking your finger in your palm. self feed (everything that you can get your hands on, regardless of edible factor), hug, dancing (oh how you love to dance), clapping, something that can only be described as some sort of primitive tribal song. You also help me when I dress you or change your diaper.

Teeth
Eight front teeth, one molar. Bitey fun (for you, not me)

But most of all, your favorite game is: let's look at mom's bellybutton and assorted bellyflaps while in public. But wait-why pull mom's shirt up to do that when we can pull it down! And then we can eat AND play! Yay!

I am so very proud of you baby. I am thankful to you for teaching me how to be a mother. Thank you for the unconditional love I see in your eyes. I love you baby, thanks for being the best firstborn I've ever had (hopefully not the youngest one for long...hehehe)

I don't know what it is, but I've got this horrible pain in one side. Hopefully it will go away without much intervention.