Today I went back to work. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I cried like a banshee. I'd really thought that this time I'd be able to stay at home and take care of my baby, see his first step, give him his first foods. But no, bills have to be paid and I have to go back to work. The only thing that's keeping me sane is the knowledge that I'm over and done with skool and I won't be coming home at 11pm every night this time around. I'm not going to be coming home just to put my baby to sleep for the night. God, it was so tough last time. I believe now that I had undiagnosed PDD that time. Had to fight the almost daily urge to drive the car into the river just so that I could stop the pain and hurt. The only thing that kept me from doing so is that if I did, The Hubby would have to feed the baby formula and my sheer stubbornness to not have a formula fed baby stopped me. That's what saved my life that time.

This time around, I felt the monster way before I even went back to work. Didn't want to talk to anyone, barely left the house, couldn't eat, barely slept, didn't even want to bathe, horrible uncontrolable mood swings (mostly directed at the poor The Kid who didn't recognized the monster that replaced his momma), fighting the urge to hurt The Kid. Seriously, this is not something to play with. Thankfully I've been given some good herbs by the midwife (totally bf friendly) that are helping me a little. I pray to God that it doesn't get worse now that I'm working again since that's when things got out of control last time. If you ever feel like something is not right, get help before it's too late. And don't try to talk to my husband about it, he's no help. When I told him about how I'd get these uncontrolable anger spells and I'd start yelling at the poor The Kid for no reason and how I couldn't stop myself, his words were: well then, stop doing it.

Husband of mine, I have one thing to say to you:

rubber, glue, back to you.

3 comments

  1. Alwen // 4:11 PM  
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  2. Alwen // 4:12 PM  

    Hey, I had a horrible case of PPD (complicated by some other things as well). I ended up on antidepressants that probably saved my life. I hope you find something that helps. I've been amazed at how total my recovery has been...I didn't think anything could really help. I'll be thinking of you.

  3. Anonymous // 12:30 PM  

    oh God I was the same way after we had the Diva. I still have some screaming spells but I try to walk away from my son before he sees me change colors...
    *sigh*
    as for the husbands, they are stupid beings aren't they???
    ~Diana (sneaking in at work!)