Whether you have had children, taught children or just observed children in the grocery store,

you're gonna love this one:

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brothe r, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back a nd groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down wi th her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden , out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was f rom Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."


got this off my board.

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

Please be advised that your cashier might have the mental capacity of a coffeemaker.


Seriously, I went there to cash one of my WIC checks (we really wouldn't be able to get by without them) and to those that aren't familiar, a wic check usually consists of: 2 gallons of milk, 1 pound of cheese, 2 bottles of juice, cereal, peanut butter.

Anyways, I went there and got all the stuff in the check and went to the checkout. I had two eight ounce packets of the wic cheese which is the only way you can get the cheese at this particular walmart since they don't have the pound packets. But I digress. I was confronted by the cashier and told that because my check was for ONE POUND of cheese, I could only get one EIGHT OUNCE pack otherwise I'd be taking more cheese than I should.

Let me do the math for you: one pound equals 16 ounces. 8+8=16. That means that two eight ounce packets of cheese are the same as one 16 ounce packet of cheese. I was totally embarassed for her. She wasn't an elderly person, nor an overly young lady. She was around my age (halfway to 50 if you're keeping track) and seemed smart enough on the outside (at least smart enough to wear about a thousand dollar's worth of gold chains around her neck, five inch perfectly manicured nails, and a hairdo that would set me back at least a hundred big ones) so I didn't understand what her problem was. Yes, the manager had to be called and yes, everyone in the line and the manager were looking at her like she'd grown three heads. I didn't yell at her or anything, I was just completely dumbfounded that she could somehow think that eight ounces equals one pound.

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside, she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Dye it. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

It's green and I even wrote Irish Spring on the top of it. $5.00 per bar plus shipping.



I just had to post this here. I saw it at my board and was rolling on the floor in giggle fits because of it.

Dear Mr. Impatient:

I understand that you were late for work this morning. As a matter of fact, so was I. I also understand that you really really wanted to make that left turn when the light was green for it. What I don't understand is how you expected me to ram my truck on top of the car that was in front of me so that you could have just one more inch of space so you could get in the left turn lane. In case you didn't notice, there was TRAFFIC and a RED LIGHT in front of me stopping me from doing as you wanted me to. I did find it funny how when the left turn light turned green, you started to honk at me with renewed intensity. As if the last four minutes of you honking didn't drive the point into me enough, you felt the need to lay your hands on the horn and keep them there. I was kinda hoping that you'd try to drive over the cement divider thing so that I could see if your teeny tiny car would've flipped over on its side like a turtle. That would've been funny. Even funnier if you'd landed right against my car. Cuz you know what? I would've sued the pants off you for being so darn stupid to put mine and everyone else's lives in danger.


PS: Was there a full moon last night or some sort of sports game that I didn't know about? There were about 15 car crashes and accidents that I passed on my way to work today. Way more than usual. Oh yeah, if I ever see you on the road and you try to pull a stunt like that again. I will hurt you, physically mentally hurt you. Don't mess with a hormonal pregnant woman that hasn't had breakfast and is driving a big truck.

Yay! helloween is over and we can all get back to the important stuff. Like it's November and turkey day is fast approaching. Which means that I'm getting old. Oh my gosh! I'm gonna be halfway to 50 in a matter of days!!!! Oh No! Am old! Need botox! Lipo! Tummy tuck (okay, that last one is most likely true), Laser vein removal! Save me!