When you see me using the bathroom with the lights off, do not turn them on for me. Understand that I'm not doing it because I'm some sort of closet vampire. I'm actually trying to hide from your spawn, er children. You see, the lights of the bathroom are connected to the fan and if I turn them on they will realize that I've escaped their grasp and will come and find me. Rather than having two screaming crying children disturbing the only 10 minutes of me time that I have, I'd rather do my necessities in the dark.


Please understand that and respect my choices. Or next time that I catch you going to the bathroom I will wait until you're too busy, open the door, throw a small child or two in there and close the door. Trust me, you do not want to be reading Hansel and Gretel while trying to do number two.

If I hear The Hubby gripe about one more mail order/catalog/pyramid scheme thing that you're trying to sell to him, I'm going to go postal. If you value your life and that of your brother, please stop selling him candles/cookware/tupperwear/etc. We don't need it. Dude, it took me like six month's worth of research to choose our pots/pans, what makes you think that we're going to go gaga over your olympia pots or whatever the heck they're called.



STOP TRYING TO CON US INTO GIVING YOU OUR HARD EARNED MONEY!

I appreciate that you're thinking of me, I really do. But STOP SENDING ME STUPID FORWARD TEXTS! Seriously! Stop saying how:

God spoke to me and said that you're blessed. If you want this to be true, send to 10 friends or have bad luck for a year.

Or that

Thank God that you woke up alive today. To continue being alive, send to ten friends.


I can't stand stupid forwarded messages. First of all, you're using up all of my allotted texts for the month (doesn't matter that I have an unlimited plan, that's beside the point). But second, and this is a biggie If God were to want me dead, he wouldn't let me know through a text from a friend of a friend. Last I checked, The Bible does not say: thou shall forward all holy text messages or die. And doesn't The Bible say that we're blessed already? Why do I have to forward it to 10 friends? What if I don't have that many friends, can I send to 10 relatives? Does it count if I send it back to the sender? What if my battery is dead or I'm camping somewhere with no signal and don't send the text out in time, will God kill me then?

You see the pandora's box that you put God in when you start putting his name in these things? I think they'll have to open up a new department in heaven just to deal with all the repercussions of these kinds of texts.